Put some Reggae Reggae Sauce on that sandwich!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdjxMMdWucY&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Efacebook%2Ecom%2Fwall%2Ephp%3Fid%3D1380360079%26banter%5Fid%3D15618674%26ref%3Dnf&feature=player_embedded

This video was braught to my attention by my friend, Aiden who discovered Reggae Reggae Sauce while visiting his brother in Edinborough, Scotland. Apparently, it is very popular in the United Kingdom. As some of you may know, I am a huge fan of reggae music and all things Jamaican so I found this pretty interesting. While there are many different kinds of jerk spices and sauces, Levi Roots came up with quite a catchy ad campaign. I don't know if it's kosher, but Reggae Reggae Sauce sure looks appetizing!

According to Wikipedia, Reggae Reggae Sauce is a Jamaican jerk spice (jerk meat or fish sauce), popularised by creator Levi Roots' appearance on BBC2's Dragons' Den. See more ->

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reggae_Reggae_Sauce

For more details about this very interesting product click below.

http://www.reggae-reggae.co.uk/

My first Dvar Torah! Parshas Mikeitz

A Dvar Torah mamesh (literally) means a word of Torah. It is customary for people to produce a dvar (written or oral) on the weekly Torah portion or Parsha that tries to analyze the meaning of the parsha based on commentaries written by great rabbis and Torah scholars throughout the ages.

I did this Dvar Torah for a Siyum in which each person was assigned a different Torah portion for which to write a dvar. My Torah portion dealt with Yosef (Joseph) dealing with his brothers in Egypt while they were under the false impression that he was an Egyptian (Joseph is at this point a high-ranking official in Egypt). Below is my Dvar Torah. I apoligize to anyone inexperienced in studying Jewish texts if any of the Hebrew or Yeshivish lingo is confusing. If you have any questions, leave it in the comment section and I'll get back to you. I hope you find my Dvar Torah insightful and inspirational!

Dvar Torah
Parshas Mikeitz
Will Gotkin

In Parshas Mikeitz 42:21-23 found in Bereishit we see Yosef’s brothers (with the exception of Binyamin who at this point is at home in Canaan) overcome with feelings of regret for how they mistreated Yosef. They experience their remorseful feelings when Yosef, who at this point the brothers do not recognize and therefore think is simply an Egyptian official, accuses them of being spies. Yosef, who secretly recognizes his brothers, punishes them measure for measure for the grief they caused him and his father Yaakov. He also puts the brothers in a position in which they will be forced to bring Binyamin to Egypt. This way his obligation to fulfill the prophecy foretold in his dream that all eleven of his brothers would bow before him can be completed. After Yosef imprisoned his brothers for three days, ransomed Shimon, and demanded his brothers go back to Canaan and fetch their youngest brother, Binyamin, the brothers feel tremendous remorse and regret at how they treated Yosef when they sold him into slavery.

The Pshat understanding seems to be that the brothers who already have a guilty conscience for their past misdeed are seeing their current plight as a Divine retribution for their cruel treatment of Yosef in the past. The commentaries explain that the fact that Yosef’s brothers see this as punishment for their misdeed reveals their greatness as moral human beings, the Midrash HaGadol declaring thus, “Happy are the righteous who submit to retribution with joy and declare the Almighty just in whatever way he acts.”

This should teach the Jewish people that when we fall victim to negative circumstances that seem to us to be Hashem punishing us for a wrongdoing we should be like Yosef’s brothers and accept the punishment graciously. After all, everything Hashem does – even when he punishes us – is ultimately for our benefit and to make us better people. In the long run we will be glad for all situations we experience, good or bad, whether we understand the situations during the times we experience them, long after they have been experienced, or even if we do not understand the reason for them until Moshiach.

However, there is another important insight in this passage. From a surface reading of the Parsha, one might think that the brothers are feeling remorse at having sold their brother into slavery. Rav Aharon Kotler, founder of the Bais Medrash Gevoha in Lakewood, New Jersey and a great Torah leader of his generation, says the contrary. According to Rav Kotler, the brothers did not acknowledge guilt for their earlier judgment against Yosef; interpreting his actions as they did, they were convinced they had acted properly and legally in ridding themselves of a mortal danger (Artscroll Stone Edition Chumash, 236). In fact, they felt it was their obligation to remove Yosef from their midst at the time that they sold him into slavery. Furthermore, they believed it would have been sinful to show compassion towards him at a time they were required to be firm.

Now, however, seeing their predicament as punishment, they blamed themselves for their lack of compassion in how they carried out their decision (Artscroll Stone Edition Chumash, 236, my emphasis). Yosef’s brothers, concluded Rav Kotler, regarded their callousness toward Yosef’s entreaties or protests – not the actual sale – as deserving punishment. We see proof for this in verse 42:21: “They then said to one another, ‘Indeed we are guilty concerning our brother inasmuch as we saw his heartfelt anguish when he pleaded with us and we paid no heed; that is why this anguish has come upon us’.” In other words, their experience of having their anguish unheeded was punishment measure for measure for their refusal to heed the anguish of their brother years earlier.

So what does this teach us about how we the Jewish people must act in the world? For one thing, this Parsha teaches us that we must treat criminals – those who society punishes – with as much compassion and humanity as their punishment will allow. The Talmud derives from the Torah that even heinous criminals who suffer the death penalty must be treated as kindly as possible to minimize their humiliation and suffering (Artscroll Stone Edition Chumash, 286). The brothers now realized that failing to treat Yosef in a compassionate manner while exacting judgment on him brought upon their current plight as punishment. The Yafeh Torah notes that the brothers contrasted their own behavior toward Yosef with that of the viceroy toward their hungry families. Remember, the brothers did not know the viceroy was Yosef so from their vantage point, the ‘Egyptian’ did not know and would never see their families in Canaan, yet he felt enough sympathy for their plight to send them food. Yet the brothers had been apathetic to their own flesh and blood.

The Torah clearly takes a position against cruel and unusual punishment. It advocates that criminals must be punished according to the severity of their misdeed. The punishment must fit the crime, so to speak, and criminals must be punished measure for measure for their crimes. Administering cruel and unusual punishments that torture wrongdoers and cause them unnecessary suffering brings us down to a barbaric, animalistic level unbefitting of a holy people. When we cause undue suffering – even to evil individuals – our neshama is affected in such a negative way that we are degraded to the same low spiritual level as the criminals we punish. We must behave in a morally elevated fashion so that we in turn do not become the evil we wish to dispel from our midst.

My 15 Seconds of Fame

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpp/news/090313_Boat_Moves_House_to_Long_Island

So my family purchased a house for $1 and it was moved from NJ to my lawn for an amount that normally wouldn't even get you a small apartment in a bad neighborhood. Pretty good deal! Plus the house looks awesome.

The 'Lieb House', as it is called, is a 1960's example of pop-architecture and it was designed by architect, Robert Venturi. It was his first commissioned work.

Hilarious, Cracked Out Chabad Puppet Video

I found this video on Chabad.org and thought it had a positive message, but it was hilarious at the same time...I'm not sure, but it makes me wonder if the Lubavitchers were high when they made this video...

Anyway, it is an episode of a children's show (I admit I have seen other episodes before) that discusses the weekly Parsha (Torah Portion). While the show might be meant for kids, I thought that most of the humor was on an adult level.

Watch it -> http://www.chabad.org/kids/article_cdo/aid/432339/jewish/The-Last-Show.htm

Will vs. Wolf - Part III "Doom in the Situation Room"

Warning: Names have been kept the same to fuck over the innocent.

It was a chilly evening. It was almost 7:00 pm and I still hadn't eaten dinner. My stomach growled with hunger, but I ignored it. I knew what I had to do.

I looked down at my watch. 6:55...Almost 7 now. Mr. Wolf Blitzer would be walking out of his studio at any minute. I was waiting outside the CNN studio back entrance.

Behind this grimey old door was the Situation Room itself...Blitz's domain...his lair...the place where with the use of his hypnoglasses he forces millions of viewers around the world watch him. In their hypnotic state all are powerless to change the channel and are subjected to what is perhaps the dullest, most tedious, mind-numbing, and lethargic example of television news reporting in history.

Suddenly, at 7:05 pm, the metal door to the Situation Room slowly opened and Wolf Blitzer stepped outside wearing an uninspiring gray suit. Behind him came out another silver haired gentleman in a blue suit.

The other silver-haired man pulled two cigars out of his pocket and handed one to Wolf. Mr. Blitzer took out a lighter and they lit up their stogies.

“Good job today Anderson,” said Wolf Blitzer clapping his friend on the back. “You were so convincing pretending to care about Global Warming that you almost had me going for a second.”

“I’m the Coop, Blitz,” said what was definitely Anderson Cooper as he took a puff of his cigar. “It’s what I do.”

“Ah yes my boy,” chuckled Wolf Blitzer. “You are fast on your way to greatness…Just as I trained you.” He took a large puff of his cigar.

“Enough!” I shouted, aiming my tazer gun in their direction.

The two CNN news casters looked up in surprise. “It’s you!” shouted Wolf Blitzer. “You’re that meddling kid! Who sent you? Must have been those bastards at Fox news!” He spat on the ground.

“Fox didn’t send me,” I replied coolly. “It was justice!”

“Quick Anderson!” yelled Blitzer. “It’s time to put your assassin skills to good use!”

Anderson Cooper let out a guttural high pitched cry. He burned his cigar on his own tie and flexed his muscles so hard that his dark blue suit ripped off his body. He was left wearing a red ninja outfit.

Cooper raised his hands and made some fancy karate chop motions. He started to run toward me. He jumped and before I could pull the trigger a Cooper flying side-kick enabled his heel to knock the gun out of my hands.

I scrambled to pick it up, but his face contorted in rage and he jumped, spun around, and delivered me one of his infamous Anderson Cooper 360 kicks right to my chest.

I fell hard face-first onto the pavement.

“Is that all you got, bitch!” demanded Anderson Cooper.

I staggered to my feet. “You...cried...like a bitch on national television,” I said, gritting my teeth through the pain. “I thought...journalists keep their composure in all situations.”

Cooper let out an angry war-cry. “That does it!” he shouted. “You’re going to pay just like Senator Mary Landrieu did when I beat her with my microphone after the camera stopped rolling during my famous report on Hurricane Katrina!”

Cooper jumped high into the air. I could tell he was about to bicycle kick me so hard that I was going to have to be sent to the hospital. However, while I was on the ground I had had just enough time to grab my tazer.

“WAHHH!” he shouted as I tazered him in mid-air. He fell with a thud writhing on the ground in pain as I kept the tazer on him.

“What are you doing?” shouted Blitzer. “You’re going to kill him!”

“I could only kill him if he was alive to begin with!” I yelled back. Suddenly Anderson Cooper’s face flew off in an explosion of sparks revealing two flashing red robot eyes where his clear blue eyes had once been.

A few seconds later Cooper’s circuits shorted out. His stomach burst open sending mechanical parts flying all over the pavement. I took my finger off the tazer trigger. The Anderson Cooper robot was no more.

“What have you done?!” demanded Wolf Blitzer. “He was my finest creation! He was able to show emotion and pass as a good journalist. I even programmed him so well that no one suspected he was nothing more than a trained robot assassin I was going to use to take over the world! You will pay for this, you meddling kid!”

Suddenly, Wolf Blitzer threw his cigar to the ground. He pressed a button on his designer tie and the cigar unfolded into a rocket launcher.

Wolf Blitzer grinned and let out a maniacal laugh. He shot a rocket toward me. I ran to my right and dove onto the ground just barely escaping the rocket’s explosion.

“STOP!” shouted a booming voice. Wolf Blitzer backed away from his rocket launcher. I looked up. Through the smoke and fumes caused by the rocket’s explosion I strained to make out a shadowy figure coming toward me.

When the smoke cleared I could see that the shadowy figure was none other than Larry King. His slicked-back gray hair was frizzy and his black glasses askew, but perhaps the most unnerving thing about his appearance was that he was wearing nothing by an old blue tie and dirty tightey-whitey underpants. His pale, skinny body and old flesh was an unpleasant sight.

“I’ve come to put an end to this carnage!” Larry King declared. “Wolf Blitzer, your mischief has gone on long enough! You had us all deceived, but now we know the truth.”

“You’ll never catch me you fossil!” shouted Wolf Blitzer. “I've got Nancy Grace, Lou Dobbs, and my wife Lyn on my side. Even that bastard Sean Hannity from Fox is working for me and he has been from day one! Plus I have thousands of other minions in every city in the world! This kid over here might of destroyed the Coopertron, but I will still be victorious in my quest for global domination!”

A black limo pulled up outside the Situation Room. Wolf Blitzer hopped in and the car sped off into the night.

As a dazed, confused, and almost naked Larry King trudged away from the scene of the exploded rocket and the destroyed Anderson Cooper robot I began to reflect on my ongoing battle with this 24 hour-news menace named Wolf Blitzer. Would Blitzer ever be stopped? Could Blitzer ever be stopped? These were lofty questions, but the fate of the world depended on the answer. It was my mission to make sure that the answer was ‘Yes’.

Will vs. Wolf - Part II "Blitzed"

Warning: Names have been kept the same to fuck over the innocent.

In the highly anticipated second installment of the chronicles of my Blitzer meetings we find that the plot thickens...Mr. Blitzer, I wasn't going to, but you took it there...Yes, shit just got a whole lot more real.


I was boarding an airplane bound for NY. An atmosphere of peace and goodwill pervaded and all of the towns people milling about the airport were in a cheerful mood...Little did I know this was but the quiet before the storm later known by many as: Hurricane Blitzer

After finishing the finest ale in all of the general area I began to board my plane. "Hello," greeted the flight attendents cheerfully. We exchanged bows, the only way humans can give each other due respect.

Suddenly, as I walked onto the plane my heart alost stopped. Everything felt like slow motion. There he was...sitting in the very fist row smiling devilishly - Wolf Blitzer! He laughed and pointed at me.

"Me?" I asked. Cackling erupted and I turned to see none other but his partner-in-crime and shotokahn master, Lyn.

I cautiously walked by the Blitzers and the only reason I did not explode into a ball of fire or disappear into thin vapor was because I was armed with Blitz-Off, available only to ninjas online at http://www.wolfblitzerpleasedonteatmychildren.org/.

Wolf snapped his fingers. The plane had not even taken off yet, but a blonde female flight attendent instantly appeared with a scotch on the rocks.

He slowly took the glass and furrowed his brows. "I said I wanted a pink umbrella in this!" he shouted furiously.

"I'm-I'm-I'm so sorry Mr. Blitzer," the flight attendant stammered.

"Sorry won't get me out of the Situation room!" Wolf yelled. "Sorry won't get Fox News cancelled! And SORRY most definitely will not persuade me to spare your life!" With a quick and effeminite bend of Wolf's left wrist the flight attendent turned into a skeleton and fell to the floor.


The other passengers stared, their mouths gaping in horror. "What are you peasants looking at?!" Wolf demanded. Lyn faced the other passengers and hissed.

Everyone sat down. As I stepped gingerly over the pile of bones a patrol of elves scurried over and cleared away the remains.

As the plane took off, I resolved to make my move as soon as the plane landed.

I slept through the ride, only woken up once by the erotic moaning of Wolf and Lyn as they fornicated in the aisle for several minutes.

As soon as the plane landed, the white haired CNN newscaster was the first to leave the aircraft. I left the plane knowing my task was urgent.

I entered La Guardia Airport and saw Mr. Blitzer was on his cell phone. Lyn looked tense and angry.

"Mr. Blitzer!" I shouted. "I need a word with you!"

Suddenly a golf cart being driven by Nancy Grace pulled up. "Get in the car, Blitz!" she shouted in her obnoxious drawl of a Southern accent as the cart screeched to a halt.

Lyn quickly grabbed her luggage and that of her husbands and sat down on the back seat of the cart. "Hurry, Wolfie!" she shouted. "Lou Dobbs is waiting and you know he doesn't like to be kept waiting. Last time we were late he got cranky and blew up a Taco Bell!"

Wolf Blitzer turned and faced me. He grinned cunningly and before I knew what was going on he pulled out a can of mace and sprayed me in the face.

"Ow! You dick!" I screamed, writhing in pain as I rubbed my eyes.

"You just got Blitzed, bitch!" Wolf Blitzer shouted. He hopped onto the golf cart. The tires screeched as the vehicle sped away mawling several senior citizens in the process.

"Damn you Wolf Blitzer!" I shouted. "Damn youuu!"

To be continued...

Will vs. Wolf Part I - "Blitzkrieg"

Warning: Names have been kept the same to fuck over the innocent.

Going to college in Washington DC, one expects to meet a lot of political/media celebrities. However, I have had the peculiar circumstance of twice running into none other than that famed, take-no prisoners, bone-breaking badass who can incinerate you with a single stare CNN journalist, Wolf Blitzer.

The title of my tales of run-ins with this media giant is ironic in of itself, considering that my Hebrew name (Zev) means Wolf...I suppose I always knew Blitzer and I would have to face each other in a battle for survival and world domination. It was written before time began that I and Wolf Blitzer would have to step into the Situation Room for a show-down to determine who would be the chosen one. After all, there...can...only...be...one. *mortal combat music plays*.............Dramatic, much?

Ok so maybe I am over dramatizing just a little bit here to peak your interest. However, my bitter rivalry with this acclaimed news reporter began on a cool fall day in October of 2007.

I was enjoying a lovely meal at a classy yet reasonably priced Italian restaurant in Friendship Heights. The restaurant was casual and good conversation flowed with good wine as I, my family, and my compadre, Matt Nese ate merrily and talked into the evening of days gone by and ruminated on days to come.

Suddenly murmmuring and whispering spread throughout the restaurant like wildfire. Dropping my utensils I slowly turned my head to the side. It was him...The day of reckoning had come...The legendary host of CNN's Situation Room and Late Edition and the man who sunk Atlantis when he jumped into the ocean, Wolf Blitzer had entered the building.

He strolled by my table with his minion of warriors, which included his lovely wife Lyn and no less than three ninjas. He cooley scanned his domain. He looked to his left and for a brief moment we locked eyes. We both knew that the fate of the world depended on the outcome of tonight's battle, but we had to act natural...No need to get all these fine restaurant patrons involved in the dealings of two martial arts masters.

Now, before I continue I would like to take time to acknowledge something. I know that the restaurant was casual, but gym shorts and a sleeveless, Wolf? Really? The man looked like he had just come out of the gym. Mr. Blitzer, we all know you are the same worldclass reporter who introduced us to the Star Warslike hologram interview on the night Barrack Obama won the election, but that doesn't mean you are not expected to dress as appropriately as the rest of us in public venues.

Anyway, after the meal was consumed Mr. Nese and I stood at the ready outside the restaurant. In front of us was a black sedan and through the window I could make out Mr. Blitzer sitting in the backseat. To my shock and horror the man was picking his teeth! And to think that the man who sets villages in Africa ablaze just by tying his shoelaces is guilty of a habit that most of us mortals possess.

"Look!" I declared with amazement, shaking Mr. Nese. "Wolf Blitzer picks his teeth! He is picking his teeth! That's so disgusting!"

To my humiliation, as I uttered these phrases, his wife Lyn walked up behind me and opened the back door of the car. She and her powerful husband both heard my comments...As the sedan rolled away I noticed that Wolf, Lyn, and his entourage of ninjas, mercenaries, midgets, Jedis, and shaolin monks were staring me down. Had it not been for Nese's magic chest hair we all would have been burned alive by Blitzer's menacing grill.

It is no small miracle that I survived that evening. However, now that the war had begun I was going to have to do everything I could to defend my honor. This was the beginning of what was to become the still ongoing Blitzer Chronicles...Stay tuned for there is more to come...

Welcome to my blog!

Welome to my new blog, "Put Down That Sandwich". On this blog, I will feature original short stories as well as whatever else I wish to share with the world (pictures, funny videos, insights on life etc.). My blog will cater to the interests of you the reader so put down that sandwich and check it out!

Sincerely,

Will aka: Zev Chanina (Hebrew name)