Will vs. Wolf Part I - "Blitzkrieg"

Warning: Names have been kept the same to fuck over the innocent.

Going to college in Washington DC, one expects to meet a lot of political/media celebrities. However, I have had the peculiar circumstance of twice running into none other than that famed, take-no prisoners, bone-breaking badass who can incinerate you with a single stare CNN journalist, Wolf Blitzer.

The title of my tales of run-ins with this media giant is ironic in of itself, considering that my Hebrew name (Zev) means Wolf...I suppose I always knew Blitzer and I would have to face each other in a battle for survival and world domination. It was written before time began that I and Wolf Blitzer would have to step into the Situation Room for a show-down to determine who would be the chosen one. After all, there...can...only...be...one. *mortal combat music plays*.............Dramatic, much?

Ok so maybe I am over dramatizing just a little bit here to peak your interest. However, my bitter rivalry with this acclaimed news reporter began on a cool fall day in October of 2007.

I was enjoying a lovely meal at a classy yet reasonably priced Italian restaurant in Friendship Heights. The restaurant was casual and good conversation flowed with good wine as I, my family, and my compadre, Matt Nese ate merrily and talked into the evening of days gone by and ruminated on days to come.

Suddenly murmmuring and whispering spread throughout the restaurant like wildfire. Dropping my utensils I slowly turned my head to the side. It was him...The day of reckoning had come...The legendary host of CNN's Situation Room and Late Edition and the man who sunk Atlantis when he jumped into the ocean, Wolf Blitzer had entered the building.

He strolled by my table with his minion of warriors, which included his lovely wife Lyn and no less than three ninjas. He cooley scanned his domain. He looked to his left and for a brief moment we locked eyes. We both knew that the fate of the world depended on the outcome of tonight's battle, but we had to act natural...No need to get all these fine restaurant patrons involved in the dealings of two martial arts masters.

Now, before I continue I would like to take time to acknowledge something. I know that the restaurant was casual, but gym shorts and a sleeveless, Wolf? Really? The man looked like he had just come out of the gym. Mr. Blitzer, we all know you are the same worldclass reporter who introduced us to the Star Warslike hologram interview on the night Barrack Obama won the election, but that doesn't mean you are not expected to dress as appropriately as the rest of us in public venues.

Anyway, after the meal was consumed Mr. Nese and I stood at the ready outside the restaurant. In front of us was a black sedan and through the window I could make out Mr. Blitzer sitting in the backseat. To my shock and horror the man was picking his teeth! And to think that the man who sets villages in Africa ablaze just by tying his shoelaces is guilty of a habit that most of us mortals possess.

"Look!" I declared with amazement, shaking Mr. Nese. "Wolf Blitzer picks his teeth! He is picking his teeth! That's so disgusting!"

To my humiliation, as I uttered these phrases, his wife Lyn walked up behind me and opened the back door of the car. She and her powerful husband both heard my comments...As the sedan rolled away I noticed that Wolf, Lyn, and his entourage of ninjas, mercenaries, midgets, Jedis, and shaolin monks were staring me down. Had it not been for Nese's magic chest hair we all would have been burned alive by Blitzer's menacing grill.

It is no small miracle that I survived that evening. However, now that the war had begun I was going to have to do everything I could to defend my honor. This was the beginning of what was to become the still ongoing Blitzer Chronicles...Stay tuned for there is more to come...